There is something so perfect and addictive about baby clothes. They capture me in such a way and pull my heartstrings in every direction. T4 is growing at a rate that I didn’t expect. Every week, I have been putting more and more articles of clothing into a pile of outfits that no longer fit him. Here we are, just passed the 3-month mark and we are headed out of 6-month clothing very soon.
I have always loved baby clothing. Even before I was pregnant for the first time, I would stroll through the aisle, picking out my favorites, and picturing our, soon to be baby, in them. They are soft and simple and so comfortable looking. My sister and Thomn’s sister started saving baby clothes for us as their kids grew. Once both of their families were complete they started bringing the clothing over in large totes that we tucked away in the basement. The excitement and exhilaration that I felt with these totes of clothing were much like Christmas morning. I couldn’t wait to get the baby clothes out and play with them. At this point, Thomn and I were trying to have a baby and, month after month, we were disappointed that I was not yet pregnant. I held onto hope that our fate would change. That first time that those beautiful double pink lines appeared, I bought a onesie to surprise Thomn with (read more about that one here) and excitedly looked through a few totes in the basement. After our first loss, I put the onesie I had bought away in a small box of the closet that was to be the baby’s room. With the second pregnancy, I couldn’t help but go to the store and buy just a little something for the baby. I brought home the blanket and put it in the baby’s room. My heart was broken once again, and that blanket and onesie were tucked back into the closet where they were out of sight…at least long enough for the thunder and ache I felt to subside. This became something of a routine, get a positive pregnancy test, buy something for the baby. My small box turned into a large tote by the time that our 5th pregnancy test turned positive. At one point, Thomn had asked me if I was sure if I wanted to buy something for the baby and my answer was yes. I had been thinking about this for a very long time, and the simple truth was, that I needed something to remember each one of my lost babies.
When we received the devastating news about baby #4, something in me snapped. I felt angrier than the previous losses, and with much of my hope dissipated, I decided the only thing I could do was to unearth the totes from basement and get rid of them. The weight of expectation that they carried became too much of a burden for my heart. There was a total of 20 totes and bags that were in the basement – I went through each one of them, picking out only my favorite items and a few with sentimental value until I whittled it down to a single tote. All of the other clothes were either donated or went into the garage sale that we had the day after my D&C with #4. We were left with a total of two totes of baby items and with it, they no longer felt full of burden, but a small air of hope. If we were to never have a baby, then I would at least have a little something to remind me of the love I felt for each of our lost babies.
Bringing us back to present day, I am yet again faced with the challenge of never ending totes of baby clothes. As I sorted through the clothes that T4 has outgrown, I felt wretchedly sad. Both S and T4 have used the items that I bought for our first babies, and there is so much sentimental value attached to each of those things that I, simply, cannot part with them. Well that, and deep down in my heart, I hope we have it in us to have another baby. So, I bagged them up and put them away. I think about having another baby and wonder if the road getting there will just have more lost babies on that journey. I know that I don’t want to end with the hope of another baby just to have another miscarriage. I have grown stronger in these last years, but am I strong enough for that? Should I see my family of four as complete? All of these questions will go unanswered for now, and the totes of clothes will be packed up for another day. Only time will tell what we will do with them…excuse me as I choke up and I pack the rest away.
