Dreaming. Wishing. Praying. Hoping. No matter your belief, each of these acts come from the same place…the very center of our heart and soul. I will never forget the day that the milkweed came to our yard, but really my dreams started way before this. Over the years there have been many random things that I have wished for: green eyes, curly hair, and an abundance of milkweed to name a few.
I was born with brown eyes like my dad while my mom has the most beautiful blue eyes. For years I wished for green eyes…maybe even with a bit of blue like moms. Not for any particular reason, other than I think green eyes are stunning and incredibly pretty. Early in my teens my eyes began to change colors with small flecks of green and hints of blue when I would cry, as most teenage girls do on a daily basis. Slowly, and with time, my eyes continued to change and are now a majority of green with the top quarter of my eye still the original brown color. To this day they still turn blue when I cry, which thankfully is no longer daily as I am far from the teenage angst of years past.
Curly hair always had such an appeal. I would dream of how nice it would be to get out of the shower and just go…hair curly and perfect. My straightish locks have always had a bit of a wave, but after baby S was born my hair got very curly. I assume from the change of hormones in my body, but whatever the reason here it is. Let me just debunk the myth for any other folks dreaming of their curly hair…as much as I love it, it is far from the kind of hairstyle where you walk out of the shower and go…
When we moved into our house the first garden that I made was a butterfly garden off the back of the house. Loving the beauty of butterflies’ delicate wings, I thought this would be a nice addition near the deck where we could sit outside and enjoy this every night. The only thing that could make the garden perfect was a source of food for the caterpillars. I dug up milkweed from a neighboring field and tried to transplant it multiple times and every time it failed me. After a while I decided to plant parsley and other delectable treats for the caterpillars instead, but I never stopped wishing for milkweed.
It was the summer after my first miscarriage when I was out weeding my vegetable gardens and there sprouting up next to the carrots was a cluster of milkweed. It had been years since I had first dreamt of the milkweed growing in our yard and just like that, here it was. Four years later our yard is filled with milkweed in every garden and I am reminded to be patient with life.
In the five years that we tried to have a baby I tried every form of dreaming, wishing, praying and hoping out there. After a while it just felt like desperation instead of hope. All my other fantasies in life felt so insignificant once I realized that I might not be able to have a baby. Really, does it matter what color one’s eyes are or how curly their hair is? Through the grief and pain of feeling barren, and incompetent, came the wisdom to let some of the little things in life go…while still holding onto the belief that sometime dreams can come true. My beautiful baby sleeping upstairs is proof of that. Perhaps somebody should tell Thomn that I have been wishing for twins for the better part of my adult life…or maybe he can find out the day it happens! We will just have to wait and see what other dreams of mine come true.
