I am a big, hot, messy ball of nerves and, whether or not I would like to admit it, hormones too.  Wednesday was my last day of work for now and it feels more than a little surreal. I thought for sure that the following days would feel long and productive as I finished getting ready for T4 to be here.  Instead, the days have flown by and the weekend with S and Thomn just wasn’t long enough.  I am 38 weeks tomorrow and will birth the baby this week in an effort to better control my blood pressure.  Unless spontaneous labor begins shortly, I will deliver via caesarean section and that has brought back a flood of emotion for me.  S was born via c-section but under more emergent circumstances as my blood pressure was at stroke level and she was breech.  All in all, I had a good delivery with S – it has never been something that I look back at and feel was traumatic in any way.  However, as I mentally prepare myself to be ready this week, I keep reliving the way a specialist was brought in to put in the biggest IV that I have ever seen, as my puffy arms and veins wouldn’t cooperate.  Even my nurse was shocked when she took it out 5 days later.  I continue to think of the moment in the operating room when I was holding the baby and had to have Thomn take her because I was sure that I was about to pass out or bleed out or do something that definitely didn’t feel right.  Lastly, it is not lost on me that a c-section, as routine as it has become, is major surgery and can have severe, if not, deathly side effects.

Clearly, I am to the point where having the baby sooner rather than later will help bring me some peace of mind as the surgery portion will be behind us.  As nervous as I have been to bring the baby into S’s life and shake it up for her, she has brought so much love to us the last few days as we talk about the baby.  She knows the baby is in my uterus and when she just can’t contain her delight anymore will yell “BABY” and kiss my stomach repeatedly.   Being just shy of 2 years old, time is lost on her, so she will look to us and ask for the baby and answer her own question as she just says… “soon.”  This is perhaps how she got confused and thinks that the pizza delivery person will be bringing the baby to the front door.  On pizza night she will ask us if it is here yet and we will reply back with something along the lines of “not yet, but soon.”  I look at her and think of what a wonderful two years we have had with just her.  I have done my very best to enjoy the moments – even the ones that some would perceive as unpleasant because every day feels like a gift to be her mom.  Soon there will be two little ones to love and I can only hope that my heart can take all of the joy that she and T4 will bring to me together.  Undoubtedly, there will be extra hugs and cuddles and kisses tonight as “soon” baby brother will be here too.

Scarlett kissing my belly and happily chatting about the baby