Time for the honest and brutal truth.  I am pregnant.  I am seven weeks along today, and tomorrow we go in for an ultrasound to see if it appears to be a viable pregnancy.  Thomn and I found out almost three weeks ago, and have lived in a small bubble with only the two of us knowing.  In the past, we would have excitedly called a few family and friends and brought them in on our good news, but after so many losses there is not much joy left in sharing it with other people.  Undoubtedly there is an uncomfortable phone call back to those same people which makes everyone feel sad and sorry for us.  Maybe this is the real reason people are discouraged from sharing their news too early…the folks on the other end are just too uncomfortable with feeling sad.

In the beginning weeks of pregnancy life is always chaotic but so full of love.  With the prospect of a new family member and baby to love on, everything just feels right.  Even though I have deemed this baby, Lucky Number 7, we have had a hard time allowing those feelings to become part of us.  The other day Thomn and I were playing with S, and I made the comment that we were either going to have a good appointment or I would have lots of new blog material.  But really, I don’t want any more fodder for the blog – with all our past experiences, I have enough blogging thoughts to last me years.

One may be surprised at the decision to share our pregnancy news…however, there are two choices in this case.  I can wait until the “safe” time frame and guard my feelings that are brimming over or I can do just what I promised I would do at the beginning of this whole thing.  I can be honest about how it feels to lose a baby, be honest about how it feels to be unsure of your fertility, be honest about how hard it is to feel raw and exposed all of the time.  What really is a safe time frame anyway?  Yes, of course, the chance of a loss greatly decreases after the end of the first trimester; but this information never changed how I felt during my pregnancy with S.  I enjoyed every second of my pregnancy – even when I was violently ill for the first 16 weeks, but I couldn’t stop the nagging feeling that something bad was going to happen.  Right around week 16 I was convinced that I was not actually growing a baby but was growing a tumor.  Take a moment and think of that conversation with my OB.  Thankfully she has been with us through all of our ups and downs and knew that in no way was I kidding when I asked her to double check.  Once I began to feel the baby move I had a bit of a reprieve from the stress, however, before too long we were nearing the third trimester where I suddenly feared every moment that our sweet babe would be stillborn.  I really only felt that things were safe after S was born and I felt her tiny face on mine.

So tonight, on the eve before we find out what our next steps in life will be, I choose to invite hope in.  Into our hearts and into our minds where we are currently being driven crazy with fear.  I am happily wearing a still baggy maternity shirt that says: Belly Full of Sunshine.  For tonight, that is exactly what we have.

PS. If you have been following along and have read this blog post, you should know that the pregnancy test pictured was from Lucky Number 7 and is currently in the bathroom along with two others.