It’s been a year since I took that wild plunge and decided to share my feelings on life, love, and lost with all of you, and I have loved every minute of it. To say that it was a terrifying start would be an understatement. In the beginning, even writing the words was hard, but rereading my entry to Thomn before I posted it, was hardest of all. When I am writing, I get focused and the words flow out, but when I read it to Thomn, it gives my heart a moment to process everything that my brain just wrote. And that is when the tears flow. Especially in the first six months, I would have a hard time making it all of way through to the bottom of my screen…many times crying hard enough to blur the words and needing a moment to regain composure before I could begin again. There were so many feelings locked inside of me that were begging to be released and now today, I feel that some of that burden has been let go. I vividly recall that someone had told me that they hoped I would find some release, and that eventually, I would be able to bring it around to the joys of parenting. This is the very thing that has happened. Occasionally, I feel the need to talk about my loss and loss in general, as it is still a part of who I am, but with the birth of T4, I am square in the middle of raising two wonderful kids – the fun and challenges that this presents, is in the forefront of my mind.
Thomn said something to me today that has resonated so deeply. We were cleaning up from dinner and my eyes felt heavy from the tiredness that is overwhelming me today. Well to be honest, I think my whole face feels tired, not just my eyes…S went to bed at 5:30pm last night and T4 wasn’t far behind her. Instead of going to bed and embracing our extra hours of sleep, we had a mini date in our living room and watched a whole movie from start to finish. Last week it took us three nights to watch Black Panther, so this, in itself, was an incredible feeling. Well, until S woke up at 3am, got in bed with us, and proceeded to rub the inside of my arm like it was a good luck charm that was sure to help her fall asleep… until 5am. We all wearily fell back asleep until the sunlight began streaming in and T4 awoke with a fierce amount of hunger. I suppose that is the long way around to saying that my whole face is tired, and I was telling Thomn this when he said, that I finally have everything that I have ever wanted. Suddenly a bit of the ache of my tired body went away when I realized that he is right. Even, all the way back to the days when Thomn and I were dating in college, it wasn’t a secret that I wanted a family and that someday I hoped to be lucky enough to spend my days with my family. I mean, my favorite decoration in my dorm room was a Got Milk Ad of a pregnant woman. She was the epitome of beauty in my mind, and I couldn’t wait to be just like her.
Getting to this point of having all of my dreams come true, complete with a partner that I love and a house that is filled with the laughter and babble of our kids, hasn’t been easy. Maybe that’s why it hadn’t overtly dawned on me that I am living out my dream every day. I can promise that the dream that my 18-year-old self had, included a little less crying, but nonetheless, here we are in all of its glory. Thank you for sticking with me this far. So many of you have reached out and I have cried for your story as well as my own. It has been a pleasure being invited into the corners of your heart that remains shielded from the public view. I hope that I can continue being a voice for all of us that have longed for a baby and lost a baby. And, just maybe, provide some comic relief along the way, with the stories that make up this dream life of mine.
Until the next time.
XO Christina
