I am one in four. These words will never change and the truth in this statement will never change. Today, on October 15th, know that there are millions of women all feeling this truth inside of their hearts. Some hold that truth close to their hearts, others like me shout it from the rooftops. In 2012 when we experienced our first loss, I held that truth so close to my heart that I had a constant pain and fear that it felt like it was squeezing the life out of me. A few years ago, I made a change because I had to. For my own health and sanity – I started talking about it and I have never looked back. I say it for myself, but I also say it for the woman who’s holding the pain inside because that is what feels right for her.
I remember that first lonely loss – after years of infertility… a loss. It was a devastating heartbreak with reverberating pain. A pain that has come back to us 5 times now and never truly goes away. I so desperately wanted to find others that were going through the same thing, so I didn’t feel so alone, but this was right before so many people found the voice to share their experience. And so, I was alone. I had Thomn, who in is own way was fighting through the pain of the miscarriage, but I wanted to have another woman… I wanted to have a hundred other women to talk to.
My anger, rage, sadness, and extreme emotion on the losses of our babies isn’t what it used to be. Last year on this day I spoke about the inner calm I had found, and I am happy to say that I still feel that inner calm. I wholeheartedly expected the pregnancy we are in to be a loss. Our odds would have given us a loss and yet here we are in week 21 of a healthy pregnancy. My inner calm is in control while I only minorly obsess that something will alter the course we are on.
Nothing is quite the same after you are one in four. The world has a different filter on it. One with slightly jagged edges yet the rosy glow of love. Because no matter how long you were pregnant or had your sweet baby to cuddle there was love. I choose to find the love in my jagged picture these days. I know that there are 5 more souls that are filled with the love of Thomn and I, and someday I will be amongst that love again.
No matter how jagged your edges feel these days, whether or not you can see that rosy glow, know you are not alone. Not only are there a hundred women out there for you to speak to, there are millions and I am one of them.
All the love.
Christina
