Three years ago, I found a small part of my voice and shared this picture on social media.
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It was an absolutely terrifying day. For the most part, I am somewhat of a reserved person who enjoys observing others and the happenings of life. It is not often that I divulge my deepest secrets to those around me. However, October is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, and something inside me knew that I needed to be real and honest about the life I was living. No longer could I keep it in that I am 1 in 4. That being 1 in 4 carries a pain like none other, yet is so commonly shared with others around us, and that by freeing my voice, I could allow others to find their own. Or at least hope to help others find their own.
Through this act of opening my heart to others, my voice has gotten louder, and I feel more bold. Bold enough to share my everyday feelings with you here …something that I wasn’t sure would every really happen. To some degree I anticipated this change. I knew that as soon as I let it all out about the babies I had lost and the struggles I have faced, that I would never go back. Never go back to allowing my voice to feel muffled amongst the chaos of life. The one thing that I wasn’t prepared for was guilt. Last October, our baby S was six months old and for some reason, that I still can’t quite pinpoint, I felt guilty. Perhaps it was for being happy. Perhaps it was for feeling sad thinking of my lost babies as I snuggled my girl at night. Perhaps it was because I knew of so many women still wishing for their rainbow baby after a tunnel of darkness. Maybe it was a combination of all of these reasons rolled into one. Whatever the reason, I know that guilt will always be part of the process for me, but so will love, happiness and sadness. All of these feelings are just a piece of who I am.
When I shared that first terrifying post three years ago, I had three babies that I knew I would meet amongst the stars someday. Now as I write this, I have five sweet babies waiting for me. As big as that number sounds and as immense as the grief has been for Thomn and I, we have also felt five times more the amount of love than I have ever thought to be possible. This is the month that helps bring awareness to how we feel each and every day, but as a momma of lost babies, we know they are never more than a heartbeat away from our thoughts. Remember your babies today and every day and know that you are never really alone. You have a whole lot of momma’s walking next to you.
