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Finding Your Okay

0 1168 September 21, 2017

Finding that place of okay can sometimes feel like an insurmountable idea.  We have all been in this position of working through grief whether it is obvious or not.  A few years ago, I went through a substantial amount of therapy for my job – a group of us saw a psychotherapist every other month in an effort to increase our productivity and our sales.  When I break it down like that, it doesn’t sound like it makes much sense, however, what I gained out of these sessions is invaluable to me.  I would often come home to Thomn, after being out of town for the week, and fill him in on what we discussed and how it affected me.  Many times, it had a similar theme of identifying grief and working through it.  That’s really when I realized how much grief is tied into our everyday lives.  It is easy to think about grief being attached to losing a loved one or a significant moment in time like that, but really, we each grieve something on a regular basis.  Perhaps it is a job or promotion that wasn’t received, a cancellation of plans from friends, a loss from your favorite sports team.  Just this evening, we helped S work through the grief of needing to take her shoes off before bed.  Letting our feelings out and working through these feelings is something that is a major focus in our house and it has been ever since I went through those sessions.  Boy was there some grief to be felt after taking off her shoes…she was not ready for that change in her life.

Undoubtedly, I can relate with how S felt tonight.  Not about taking off my shoes but the grief that is so real and painful and not what we want to encounter.  For the majority of my miscarriages I was anticipating a loss and yet the actuality and confirmation of this was so much more than I could handle.  Each and every time, I had to force myself to step back and look for my place of okay.  As the numbers and odds stacked against me, finding that elusive place of being okay was harder and harder.  After we lost baby number 4, Thomn and I had many real and brutal conversations about moving on from the idea of having a family or changing the way we had imagined our family.  Should we adopt?  Should we continue trying to have a baby?  Perhaps we should move to Spain.  Yes, we should definitely move to Spain and build our own little albergue on the Camino.  In the end, we chose to be okay with not having a family.  We would create our own life and surround ourselves with the love we have in each other while finding a beautiful place to live that would bring calm into our lives.  Finding that space and being okay doesn’t mean that there wasn’t grief anymore…that’s the tricky part about grief…it sneaks up when you least expect it and can be debilitating.  Personally, I feel, when you can work through feelings as they happen it makes the new ones slightly easier to deal with.

One of the many ways that I attempt work through some of my grief is with music.  With music, crying seems easier and can be so cathartic.  I also seem to find hope as I belt out the lyrics in the privacy of my car.  By far, the song that has helped me the most is Beautiful Girl by Sarah McLachlan.  It started as an anthem for myself…telling my own heart and mind that

We’re gonna push on through, pretty girl
Just like we always do, beautiful girl
I know the world can be cruel, pretty girl
You’re gonna make it ’cause you’ve got love on your side

Slowly the song evolved for me.  It was something I listened to on repeat for months after I lost Baby Number 4 and then when I found out I was pregnant with S it very subtly shifted and changed in my mind until I was singing it to and for the baby.  I knew from the moment that I was pregnant that it was a girl and I sang my heart out to that pretty girl every day as we drove to work and back home. 

If you have grief in your heart, I hope that you are able find a way to make it to that place of okay.  Let the cathartic tears roll as you feel your feelings and release the grief…remember, “you’re gonna make it cause you’ve got love on your side.”

Love to all – Christina

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About author / Christina

Welcome to the room with the view of my heart.  I am a 30 something mom that tried for years to have a baby…YEARS.  I endured heartache and pain as time moved on and left me without a baby to hold at night.  Somehow along the way I decided that constant loss was not going to define me and that there is so much more to who I am.  Together with my partner, I take on every day life with love, passion, and a whole lot of smart ass comments.