Am I enough? This is one of the questions that has been rolling around my head for the last few weeks.
As I was laying in bed a few nights ago, my friendly pregnancy app, reminded me that soon I would be 24 weeks along and I did the reverse math and realized the littlest Bell will be here in 16 weeks or less. Considering S was 3.5 weeks early, I have basically given myself 12 weeks to feel more ready than I am in this moment. 12 weeks is not a very long time. Sure, in the beginning of a pregnancy, it can feel like a lifetime, but in the overall scheme of things it usually flies by in no time at all. As the weeks have been dwindling down, it has been a hot topic of conversation at work whether or not I think I might return back after my maternity leave is over, and the truth is that I don’t know.
When I went back to work after S was born, I had a huge amount of grief that I felt on a regular basis. I assured myself, that in the long run, she would see me as strong independent woman that worked outside of the home because it was one way I wanted to contribute to our family, and also because I love my job. But as the days and months creep by faster than I want them too, I feel the regret building. At any given moment, I am amazed at her development and growth and don’t want to miss this time of her being little. Thomn and I worked so hard, and worried for so long, to bring these littles into our life…what happens when I wake up one day I realize that I can’t ever get that time back?
Looking at all of my options, there is clearly an one that appeals to me more than the rest– change it up and become a stay at home mom. Whoa. What a life change that would be. But then I think to myself, am I enough? By that question, I mean for S. When she first started at her school there was a wonderful teacher that helped me through the new parent drama of leaving your child behind, but eventually changes were made and the teachers changed…as did my opinion for the classroom. I no longer felt confident that she was receiving the care she needed or deserved. But, since she has been moved to a new classroom, she is thriving. We have a kid that loves to interact in the classroom and frequently talks about her friends when we bring up school on the weekends, not to mention, she has a wonderful teacher that cares about her growth and development every day. Am I enough to replace the loss she will feel over not going to school? Am I enough to stimulate and engage her in a creative environment at home as I also start the 4th trimester with T4? Simply put…am I enough?
If there is anything that I accomplish in the next 12 weeks, I hope it will be answering this question. Eventually the baby clothes will be washed, the bassinet will be set up and the toys will be sorted. In the meantime, I have some soul searching to do.
Love to all – Christina
(If you are wondering who or what T4 is…find your answers here)
