It is a rare night that Thomn and I decide it is a good idea to take our little one out for dinner. Generally, she does better at lunch and overall it is a more enjoyable experience for everyone. However, our favorite restaurant has an outdoor patio during the summer and has a special menu during the evening hours, so we took a risk and went to dinner…at 4:45pm.
The Wooden Spoon has been our go to restaurant for the last five years and over that time we have become well acquainted with other diners that are regulars as well as the employees. I was happy when we got there to find that a lovely couple, that we have shared many a meal with, were also there chatting with the Chef at the patio kitchen. Thomn and I had a perfect dinner out – the weather was nice, the babe happily ate and won the hearts of those around us with her sporadic waiving and cheesy grins, the food was exactly what we wanted, and we enjoyed the company of everyone around us. S was full of sloppy baby kisses and cuddles as we wrapped up our dinner. One of our friends came over and made a comment that I have not been able to get out of my head for the last 5 days.
You two are such wonderful parents and seem to be truly enjoying yourselves…especially considering you weren’t baby people.
At first, all I could think to myself was how right she was. I LOVE being a parent and enjoy every moment with S. That first thought was fleeting and ever since I have been obsessing over her perception that we weren’t baby people. Were we really so guarded in all of our interactions that we came off as indifferent and uninterested? I can recite our go to line even in the deepest sleep. Someone would ask us when we were going to have a baby, we would look at each other and say, “Oh, one of these days maybe.” My mouth would say these words as the inside my heart would stab in pain. A small cloud of sadness would often wash over me as the stabbing pain turned into a dull ache. Just a constant reminder that I was not a mother and that I doubted I ever would be.
Our baby is now 15 months old and for the last 6 months we have been frequently asked when baby number two will join our family. Again, the small cloud of sadness joins my heart as I think of the baby we lost this winter. Sometimes my bravery wins out and I speak the truth to whomever is addressing me. Other times I relive the initial joy I felt when we found out I was pregnant for the 6th time, but most of the time I give a small shrug of my shoulders and say, “Oh, one of these days maybe.”
