“I miss Daddy.” The small voice of my oldest tiny human echoed through the sleepless air in my bedroom last night and it tugged so profoundly on my lonely heart. It is not often that I am solo parenting– maybe four or five times a year, so when it happens it turns our family’s life upside down. I can appreciate professional development and how important it is…it is something that I loved participating in for many years, but that was a lifetime ago and before we had two littles at home. We have chosen a specific form of parenting, especially while our tiny humans are so tiny, and with that style comes incredibly routinized kids. The smallest change in our week can have a ripple effect longer than one might think. Do you remember this Hamilton post from the summer? Thomas stopped sleeping well at night for the next three months…and we still haven’t made it back to where we were before that trip.
So, for the past three days, I have done my very best to keep our life together. There has been an extreme show of emotions while our kids process Thomn being away. Have you been around a toddler who is testing boundaries lately? I can assure you that it is tough and heartbreaking at the same time as you can see them struggle with the difficult time they are having. I am incredibly grateful to my mom who spent some time with us over the last couple of days – giving me moments to regroup and pull myself together for them while also providing an emotional support for all three of us.
When it comes down to it, I will be the same Momma that they need all of the time, so as challenging as the days have been, it is the nights that are always the worst for me. There is a loneliness that fills the house after both kids are asleep and it is deafening. Regardless of where Thomn is at in the process of his dissertation, the time after the kids are asleep is always time for us to talk about our day and more often than not have dinner together. That loneliness gives way to a sense of dread in so many ways and my mind starts to turn with all of the things that can go awry. Did I lock the door? Did I shut the garage door? When will the baby wake up? Will I hear the baby when he wakes up (full disclosure, I rarely hear the baby…Thomn almost always wakes me up)? Will I be able to sleep because I am unsure if I will hear the baby? When will Scarlett wake up to come into our room? What is my plan if the house catches on fire? Could I really jump from the two story window with the kids? The thoughts and fears get out of control and lead to a restless and sleepless night.
Last night was pretty rough…and that was with my Mom staying the night which made it a thousand times better than it could have been. Here’s a small example for you:
7:15 Thomas asleep
7:30 Scarlett asleep
8:30 Thomas starts whimpering in his sleep
9:30 Thomas wakes up 3 hours earlier than his typical first wake up
10:11 Scarlett gets in my bed
10:20 Scarlett wakes up as I am texting Thomn goodnight
11:04 Thomas wake up screaming uncontrollably (I think there is a new tooth coming in) I go in and comfort him which he does not want. I change his diaper just in case there is a stray hair in his diaper and it’s wrapped around his penis. (Note another fear unraveling that I have probably thought about at least once since getting him out of the bath)
11:07 Mom goes and lays with Scarlett as she frequently wakes up when Thomn and I leave the bed. She knows it is not me and is fully awake when I return.
11:12 All attempts to comfort Thomas do not work and when I ask him if he wants to get into his bed he indicates yes and then whimpers himself to sleep.
11:13 Mom switches with me and I attempt to help Scarlett back to sleep
11:40 “I miss Daddy” After laying in bed flipping back and forth and trying to get comfortable, Scarlett quietly whispers this.
11:40.1 Silent tears fall down my face.
11:40.5 I let her continue to talk and work through her feelings. At which point she asks me if it is Sunday and I tell her it is still Friday night. “Is tomorrow Sunday?” No, tomorrow is Saturday. The next night is Sunday, I tell her.
11:42 “When it is Sunday, I will be so excited because Daddy will come home!” She has found the moment of peace she needs and falls into a somewhat restless sleep.
At this point I lose track of time and have hopefully dozed off before midnight.
3:42 Thomas wakes up to eat. I sneak out of the room and by a miracle Scarlett does not wake up.
3:56 I climb back into bed
3:58 Scarlett wakes up and wants a drink of water
5:44 Thomas wakes up for the day and I foolishly think he will go back to sleep and when he doesn’t, my mom offers to get up with him, so I can go back to bed with Scarlett
5:48 Scarlett wakes up and starts crying uncontrollably because I have left the bed.
Solo parenting is f’ing hard work…and before anyone calls me out on it, please don’t confuse my statement for single parenting. There is a whole different level of respect that I have for people that are single parents…their job is f’ing hard work too. As I sit here and type this, I am doing the countdown of how many hours of potential sleep I will get tonight, which means it is long past the time that I should be in bed. More importantly, I am on the countdown until the man of my family’s dreams walks back in the door.
