Hello friends. It’s been a long time since I’ve been here – almost two months. Two months that have been filled with warm summer days, cool fall nights, love, laughter, teething, and the question why (isn’t that every 2 year old’s favorite question). In all transparency, I have been so tired these last few months that it has been easier to take an hour or two at the end of the night to talk to Thomn while zoning out as I pick up the vast spread of toys from the day and then crawl into bed, then it is to sit down and really think about life and all of the feelings that it takes to put things onto paper.
But, if you follow my blog you probably already know that October is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, and specifically October 15th is the day we remember and love the babies lost too soon. If you are new here, welcome. National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month was one of the first ways I found to give volume to the voice that was shouting from inside my heart and demanding to be freed. Each and every October that I use my voice maybe someone else will feel free to unleash their own voice. This November marks six years since my first loss. The years have tumbled by so quickly that it is hard to believe that this is where we are today. Two rainbow babies at home and five sweet souls amongst the stars.
I am one in four. This is something that hasn’t changed since that first devastating loss in November, many moons ago. I am one out of four women that have experienced this exact same thing. All of my losses have been miscarriages, but it is women across the world that have had miscarriages, stillborn babies, even babies lost as young infants that wear this stripe of heartbreak in both their eyes and on their hearts.
In this very moment, I can say that I have found peace with my lost babies. I still think of them often and wonder what my life would be like to be parenting a five-year-old, but really, I have found an inner quiet. It has taken years of anger, sadness, frustration, reflection and finally openness to reach this calm. And I don’t think that it would have possible if it weren’t for the cyber world listening. Each and every time someone took the time to reach out to me after having shared our journey, I felt a little less alone. If I think about the pain, it is such a horrific cycle that starts all over each time I have had a miscarriage. That thought in itself is terrifying as I would love to have another baby. I don’t feel like our family is complete, but given our odds, it is highly likely that we end up in that same horrific cycle of pain, anger and fear. Is it worth the risk? Probably. But there is always the chance that I would wake up and never be able to find this same place of calm that I am in now.
Are you in a horrific cycle of anger and frustration? Have you been there before? I see you, and I feel for you in every way. Today, let’s honor our lost babes and give a voice to each one of the women who so desperately need it.
All of the love.
Christina
